HP Parody
by king's-own-knight
Summary: Hehe, my title rhymes. Anyways.. This is just your average old parody of the Harry Potter books. Or is it... Read and Review!
1. Sorcerer's Stone

Well, it's finally here! The HP parody I've been promising! I'm sorry about the delay on Trickster, but I need to finish reading it again. It'll take a couple of weeks, max. So…. In the mean time, I will be writing this!

Summary: This is basically just a parody of all the HP books…. I'm sure it's been done before, but I don't give a crap.

Disclaimer: I ain't Jk, I own nothing, and all that disclaimy crap.

………………………………………………………………………………………….

Petunia: Get up!

Harry: As if!

Petunia: Up yours!

Harry: Ah touché

Dudley: You suck!

Harry: Well your fat.

Dudley: I an not- Hey a doughnut!

…………………………………………………..

Dudley: Ladedadeda! We're going to the zoo!

Dudley's friend I forget his name aka DFIFHN: Shut up.

Dudley: As if!

Harry: Up yours!

Snake: Yo what up?

Harry: Wow, I'm talking to a snake! This isn't weird or anything…

Glass: Ow…

Snake: Later..

…………………………………………………………

Harry: OMG like a letter for me?

Vernon: You wish

Harry: As if!

Vernon: I've gone completely crazy, so now we're going to ride around for a few days, while I act like a paranoid psycho.

Harry: Jolly.

……………………………………………………….

Hagrid: I'm sorry. I broketed your door.(A/N sorry, I've seen the longest yard a few too many times.)

Vernon: I'm gonna act like a complete wimp here.

Harry: Act like?

Vernon: Shut up.

Hagrid: Dude, your like a wizard!

Harry: Dats cool.

Vernon: Shut up!

Harry: Screw you.

………………………………………………………

Ron: Hi I'm poor and I have freckles!

Harry: Oh yea? Well, I have a scar, so beat that!

Fred: Burn!

Ron: Your not in this scene!

Fred: So?

…………………………………………………..

Hat: You'll go well with all those freaks in slytheren

Harry: Screw you!

Hat: Okay fine.. GRYFINDOR!

Harry: Ow my ears! What the freakin crap?

Hat: Haha

………………………………………………………

Hermione: I'm smart!

Ron: -cough-nerd-cough-

Harry: Hey, Ron, slight problem here..

Ron: What?

Harry: We're dead lost.

Ron: That sucks

………………………………………………………….

Malfoy: You suck!

Neville: Waaaaaaaaaaah!

Harry: Shiney!

Malfoy: Wow, you can fly!

Harry: Wow, I can fly!

Malfoy: Go fetch!

McGonagall: Wow! Totally wicked Potter!

Wood: I got a seeker, I got a seeker, I got-

McGonagall: Shut up.

…………………………………………………………

Hagrid: Ain't he cute!

Hermione: he's a freakin DRAGON!

Ron: ow..

Harry: Haha

…………………………………………………….

Lee: You suck!

McGonagall: Shut up

Lee: You wish!

Harry: SHINEY!

Lee: Dude, your not supposed to EAT it!

Harry: Um, so?

………………………………………………………….

Hagrid: Guess what? I got drunk and told a creepy stranger how to steal the sorcerer's stone!

Hermione: YOU FREAKIN IDIOT!

Ron: hehehehehehehehehehehe

Harry: Are you drunk?

……………………………………………………

Fluffy: Arg! Fear me! I have three heads!

Harry: Oh, yea well I have a flute!

Fluffy: NO! NOT THE FLUTE! ANYTHING BUT THE FLUTE!

Ron: Oooooooooooooook.

……………………………………………………….

Hermione: Freakin plant

Plant: Hehehe

Ron: Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy

Harry: Shut up

…………………………………………………………..

Harry: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Key: What the crap? Not another one!

…………………………………………………………..

Ron: I want the prettyful horsey!

Hermione: Good for you.

Harry: Hey Ron why don't you go play with that scary looking queen

Ron: Fun!

…………………………………………………….

Hermione: Drink this, I'm 50 sure it's not poison.

Harry: Ok!

Hermione: Well, ta-ta!

……………………………………………………..

Quirell: You suck!

Harry: As if!

Quirell: Up yours!

Harry: Haha, your face is burning!

Quirrel: What the crap?

…………………………………………………………

Dumbledor(A/N How do you spell his name?): Yo what up?

Harry: fo shizzle!

Dumbledor: You're a terrible rapper.

Harry: I resent that!

Dumbledor: Good for you.

……………………………………………………………

I know it's kinda short, I left some key parts out, but hopefully it will get better. I don't read Chamber much, but I've read Prisoner a million times. Please review! Flames are, as always, welcome. Pickles to you all!

-king's-own-knight


	2. Chamber of Secrets

Hello again! I'm back from my very long time off of writing these things. I am back fro two reasons:

The new Harry Potter book will be out on Friday, and I want to finish 1-6 parody things or whatever I'm doing right now before then.

I'm vain and I like people commenting and telling me how wonderful I am.

Yea that's it. So on to book two!

CcCcCcCcCcC

Harry: Nobody's writing to me so I'm gonan be an emo kid.

The Dursleys: Don't be an emo kid fool, we have to be mean to you.

Harry: Oh ok I'm sorry.

The Dursleys: Hmph you quite should be.

oOoOoOoOoOo

Dobby: Yo my pimpizzle whts shakin?

Harry: I'm an emo kid because my friends hate me.

Dobby: That's not suprising.

Harry: -evil emo!Harry death glare-

Dobby: Um… Mmmkay.. So you're gonna die if you go back to Hogwarts.

Harry: But Hogwarts is the shiz!

Dobby: Okay, you're weird so I'm gonna go levititate some crap and get you in trouble!

Harry: Fun.

oOoOoOoOoOo

Dobby: Cake on your head mwahahahahaha!

Person: Ehmagawd nooo cake on my head!

Dursleys: Grrr we shall smite you.

Harry: I can't do magic out of school! Tralalalalala!

Dursleys: Oh emmm gee, now we shall super duper double smite you!

Harry: Ehmagawd noooo.

oOoOoOoOoOo

Fred: We came to save you in our flying car!

Harry: Pimpin.

George: You know you should be more grateful! There are children in Africa who don't have flying cars to save them from their evil relatives!

oOoOoOoOoOo

Ron: Let's run at this brick wall and hope we go through it!

Harry: Okay!

Ron: Ow.. I wonder why that didn't work.

Harry: I dunno. I thought all brick walls disappear if you run at them.

oOoOoOoOo

Ron: Tralalalala flying my dad's flying car to schoooooolllll.

Harry: Birdy!

Ron: I'm a spaz so I'll run into that tree.

Harry: Okay, it's not like it's gonna beat us or anything.

Tree: -beats-

oOoOoOoOo

Snape: I don't like you so I'll yell at you a lot!

Harry and Ron: Whatevs..

oOoOoOoOo

Harry: Yay food!

Colin: OH EM GEE CAN I TOUGH YOUR FACE???

Harry: No

Colin: Please.

Harry: No.

Colin: PLLLLEEEEAAASEEEEEE

Harry: -sighs- finnneeee

Colin: Ehmagawd –molests Harry's face-

Ginny: I heart Harry! Back of Creevey!

Harry: Whatevs.

oOoOoOoOoOo

Lockhart: I heart me.

Students: 0o

Lockhart: Ehmagwad your Harry Potter!!!! You're almost as pimpin as me!

Harry: Whatevs!

oOoOoOoOoOo

Dumbledore: Ehmagawd the Chamber of Secrets has been opened! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!! runs around screaming

People: -collective gasp!-

oOoOoOoOoOo

Hermione: Ehmagawd you know what would be cool?

Harry/Ron: Ehmagwad what?

Hermione: If you guys were Crabbe and Goyle and I was a kitty!

Harry/Ron: whatevs

oOoOoOoOoOo

Chamber: I got Ginny OOOOOOOOOOO! –is scary-

Ron: Yea she's annoying you can keep her.

Harry: Noooo Ginny stalks me which boosts my already huge ego!

Ron: ..so?

Harry: -is emo!Harry-

Ron: finnneee

oOoOoOoOo

Myrtle: Ehmagawwwddd it's Harry!

Harry: ..please don't rape me..

Ron: If you tell us where the chamber is you can rape Harry!

Harry: What the flying hippogriffs?

Myrtle: Okay!

oOoOoOoOo

Lockhart: I don't like you guys.

Ron/Harry: mmkay..

Lockhart: -erases memories- yay!!!

Ron: Hahaha loser.

oOoOoOoOoOo

Ginny: Harry!

Harry: Ginny!

Ginny/Harry: -slow motion run towards each other-

Harry: Ginnnnnnnyyyyyyyyy

Ginny: Harrrrrrryyyyyyyy

Riddle: …

Riddle: I shall kill you with this giant snake!

Harry: Oh no you didn't! -snaps fingers-

Riddle: Oh yes I did!

Harry: AHHH IT'S A REALLY BIG SNAKEEE

Snake: A gay boy wished for a planet full of unicorns, planet unicorn, unicorn planet. Give it up for feathers! Ooooo Cadillac. And Tom Cruiissseee! Planet Unicorn, heyyy.

Harry: AHHH IT'S A REALLY BIG SNAKE SINGING THE PLANET UNICORN SONG!

Harry: -stabs with pointy sword-

Snake: Waaaahhhhh Tommy he gave me an owwieeeeeeee!

Riddle: ..shut up..

Harry: Lalala I like stabbing stuff –stabs diary with fang-

Riddle: Nooo you biotch!

Harry: Yayyyyyy.

oOoOoOoOoOo

Dobby: I feel abused.

Lucius: I feel lika pimp.

Harry: Have a book my lord Pimpsta.

Lucius: Ewwww a sock!

Dobby: Yay a sock! Life is happy when there are socks!

CcCcCcCcCcCcC

Yea that's it for the second one. If you haven't seen Planet Unicorn search it on youtube its hilarious. Sorry if this wasn't very good CoS was my least favorite so I haven't read it in a while.

Peace Out,

King's Own Knight


	3. Prisoner of Azkaban

Why hello there. It's POA time! I am far too excited. I may cry. Is there anyone who isn't absolutely in love with Sirius? I'm still mad about the movie though, I mean Gary Oldman?? Okay review time.

Epobbp- I shall indeed. And I will try not to just say that this time, hehe.

Magickless Sorceress- that is a lot of lols there, hah. Don't worry I'm pretty sure it's not a sin against Harry Potterness to like retarded parodies about them. Thanks for reviewing :

Angietheunicorn- Oh god, now I feel pressured not to suck! Lol, thanks, I shall.

Oh and this time feel free to review telling me how wonderful I am OR how much you hate me and wish I'd go die. Because I'm a total review whore either way XD.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Harry: Yo homie whats poppin up in hizzere?

Vernon: …

Harry: So I was up at school you know what I'm sayin and they was like yo you need to get yo relatives to sign this slip so you can go cruising in the hood you no and I was like yo I ain't getting no paper signed son and they was getting all up in my grill and I was like yo I'll pop a cap on yo ass but they was-

Vernon: Oh my god please shut up already!

Harry: Sign this.

Vernon: Like hell I will.

Harry: Please?

Vernon: No

Harry: Please????????

Vernon: No

Harry: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaassssssseeeeeeeeee????

Vernon: Okay whatever just don't be mean to the fat lard that's coming over later

Harry: Ai'ght.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Fat Lard: -beats Harry with suitcase- Your mom was a bitch.

Harry: Oh no you didn't!

Fat lard: Oh yes I did!

Harry: Oh you did not just go there.

Fat Lard: You better believe I just went there!

Harry: I'll blow yo ass up!

Fat lard: -blows up-

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Vernon: WTF dude so not cool.

Harry: Eeep –runs away-

………………………………………………………………………………….

Swings in playground: -are menacing-

Harry: Oh my god its dark and scary and OH MY GOD A BUS!!!

Stan: Yo whats poppin son?

Harry: Woah a purple bus just came flying at of nowhere, trippy.

Stan: Yeah I don't even wanna know what you've been smoking tonight.

…………………………………………………………………………………………

Harry: I blew up my aunt.

Fudge: Oh that's okay cause I'm actually nice to you in this book. And she was a crazy lard ass anyway.

Harry: True dat.

………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Mr. Weasley: Sirius Black wants to kill you.

Harry: Oh okay that's nice.

……………………………………………………………………………………

Dementor: MAH I SHALL EAT YOUR FACE!

Harry: Noes not my beautiful face! -faints-

Lupin: -uses mad skills to fight dementor-

Harry: Wow I'm the only one who fainted.

Lupin: Yeah, you're a total girl. Have some chocolate.

Harry: Okay then.

………………………………………………………………………………………

Hermione: I'm taking like 6 classes at the same time but nobody seems to really think about that after the one conversation I have with Harry.

Harry/Ron: Yay

……………………………………………………………………………….

Harry: -drinks tea-

Trelawny: OMG YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!

Harry: Someones had a few too many special brownies..

…………………………………………………………………………

Hagrid: Okay don't insult the hippogriffs!

Malfoy: You're fat.

Buckbeak: Oh no you didn't! -mauls malfoy-

Class: omg yayz

………………………………………………………………………

Lupin: Okay think of stuff that scares you and then this thing will turn into it! Doesn't that sound like fun?

Class: …sure

Neville: Omg its Snape!

Snape: -turns into crossdressing!Snape-

Neville: lawlz.

……………………………………………………………………………..

Sirius: Let me in ho!

Fat Lady: Oh no not in my house!

Sirius: I'll cut you bitch.

Fat Lady: ow

………………………………………………………………

Harry: -shows off his beast quidditch skillz-

Dementors: -glomp-

Harry: No dementors are glomping me!

Cedric: No shit Sherlock.

Harry: Shut up. –passes out-

……………………………………………………………………….

Twinz: We shall be delightful and twin-like now.

Harry: ..fun

Twinz: Have this map of stuff

Harry: Kay

……………………………………………………………………..

Harry: A new broom! Tight!

McGonagall: No. I hate all things happy and fun. No broom for you.

Harry: -glare-

……………………………………………………………………..

Lupin: I'm gonna teach you how to not be such a girl and pass out whenever dementors glomp you!

Harry: Kay!

……………………………………………………………………

Sirius: -stares at Ron while he's sleeping holding a large knife-

Ron: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sirius: Oh shiznit

Ron: Sirius Black was trying to rape me in my sleep!

Percy: I'm sure.

Fat Lady: I let him in earlier.

McGonagall: …

Fat Lady: He had the passwords on little paper thingies!

McGonagall: …

Fat Lady: What?

……………………………………………………………….

Malfoy: I hate you.

Ron: Wah.

Harry: Don't be hatin on my homie yo! –throws mud at Malfoy-

Malfoy: Oh my god it's your head!

Harry: What? No it isn't.

Malfoy: Yes it is!

Harry: NO IT ISN'T!

Malfoy: Meep.

……………………………………………………………….

Snape: Malfoy saw your head at Hogsmead.

Harry: Woah that kid's messed up.

Snape: Turn out your pockets! Oh my god what is this? PAPER???!!!

Harry: meep

Paper: -insults Snape-

Lupin –somehow manages to keep a straight face through this whole scene-

………………………………………………………………………

Malfoy: Oh em gee Hagrid's Hippogriff is getting killed! Lawlz!

Hermione: -bitch slap-

………………………………………………………………………

Trelawney: I'm gonna make a real prediction now.

Harry: I don't believe you.

Trelawney: -makes creepy prediction-

Harry: Woah trippy dude.

…………………………………………………………………

Sirius: Yo what up son?

Harry: -attempts to bitch slap Sirius-

Sirius: I didn't kill people.

Harry: Kay that's cool.

Pettigrew: I'm ugly and annoying.

Harry: True dat.

………………………………………………………………….

Dumbledore: Go back in time and save people.

Hermione: Mmkay.

Harry/Hermione: -uses mad skillz to bring Buckbeak to Sirius-

Sirus: I'm really really ridiculously good-looking!

Harry: Okay. Have a hippogriff.

………………………………………………………………………….

Harry: Ladedadeda, riding in the train!

Ron: Please shut up.

Spazzy Owl: MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Ron: Yay now I have a spazzy owl.

Harry: Fun.

………………………………………………………………..

Harry: HEY GIRL HEY.

Vernon: Please shut up.

Harry: Guess what??

Vernon: …

Harry: My godfather killed a bunch of people!

Vernon: meep.

……………………………………………………………………………..

Yay I'm done! I'm sorry if it's really stupid, I wrote most of it while I was hyped up on coffee at 3 in the morning. Hehe, caffeine. Yea, so review plase! Flames are welcome. Ta-Ta!

-king's-own-knight


	4. Goblet of Fire

Hello! I am back. I know I take forever to update. I'm sorry! Please to not be eating me :p

Reviewses for you all are lovely and take the time to tell me how odd I really am:

00jade- I'm magical that's how. Your penname makes me think of afi, so even though I'm fairly sure its not, I'm going to keep believing that its referring to Jade Puget :D

Tuberculosis Queen- its not exactly soon but.. here ya go!

Epobbp- caffeine is yummy teehee

sunshinerosesandDEATH- why thank you!

Magickless Sorceress- you can never have too many lols lol

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Frank: Oh those darned kids, setting fire to everything.

Voldemort: So let me recap my evil plan.

Wormtail: milord, haven't you learned anything from watching Scooby Doo?

Voldemort: SILENCE! So now we must KILL HARRY POTTER! –maniacal laughter-

Frank: No you won't! Cause I'm… SUPER GARDENER! -pulls of clothes to reveal spandex suit underneath-

Voldemort: -kills Frank- pwned

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Harry: Holy crap that was a messed up dream. My scar hurts. Hmmm I wonder who I should tell. –intense thinking that takes way too long to figure the obvious answer out- SIRIUS!

Hedwig: No shit Sherlock.

Harry: Shut up.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

School Nurse: Your son is a fat ass.

Dursleys: NO HE'S BIG BONED!!

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Vernon: What the hell?

Harry: Haha the postman thinks you're odd.

Vernon: That lady's fat.

Harry: So are you. Now I shall use intense psychology on you to get you to let me go to the quidditch world cup.

Vernon: -brain explodes-

Harry: w00t.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Weasleys: yay through the chimney!

Vernon: Holy hell!

Fred: hey fat lard, want some candy?

Dudley: Yeah! –tongue grows-

George: Haha, tootles!

Dursleys: Doubleyew tee eff!

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Death Eaters: WE SHALL BE DESTRUCTFUL!

Everyone: -run away-

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dumbledore: Cedric Diggory

Cedric: Yay I am well-liked an nice and everyone thinks I'm smexxi!

Dumbledore: Fleur Delacour

Fleur: -flips hair- I'm stuck up and French!

Dumbledore: Viktor Krum

Viktor: I'm a duck. Woof.

Everyone: I LOVE YOU VIKTOR!!

Dumbledore: -gasp!- another name! DUN DUN DUN. I wonder who it is?

Everyone: Gee, I have no idea.

Dumbledore: Harry Potter!

Everyone: I totally did not see that coming, like at all.

Harry: What? Me? NOES!

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ron: I hate you!

Harry: I hate you too! –runs away to emo corner-

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hagrid: Yo come see the dragons.

Harry: Shit on a stick.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Harry: Yo I shall pwn you with my uber pwnin broom skills.

Dragon: I are pwned.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Harry: oh no not a ball! What ever shall we do!

Ron: I'm gonna ask Fleur!

Harry: Aahahahahhahahahhahahahahhhaha

Ron: ….

Harry: Oh wait, you were serious?

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Cedric: Hey go take a bath in this bathroom.

Harry: Um.. kay?

Myrtle: EYERAPE!

Harry: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Harry: eats worms I'M A FISHY!

Everyone: ..of course.

Harry: I'm gonna be a total idiot and save everyone else's person too!

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dumbledore: We made a maze over the quidditch field! Yay!

Harry: Oh no you di'int!

Dumbledore: Oh yes I di-id!

Cedric: Shut up. Please.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Harry: you can take the trophy

Cedric: No you!

Harry: No, I insist.

Cedric: Let's share

Harry: Oh yes, sharing is caring.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Harry: What the hell?

Cedric: -dies-

Wormtail: Mwahahahah –cut-

Harry: Owie!!

Voldemort: Let's have an intense duel!

Harry: Let's!

Cedric: Take my body back fool!

Harry: kay! –speedy running away-

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Mad Eye: -drags-

Harry: ..huh?

Mad Eye: Mwahahahha I kill you!

Dumbledore: Not in my house!

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Harry: stuff happened

Siruis: noes! I'm going to be very protective and adorable in this scene!

Fangirls: Awwwwwwww

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Harry: Have my money!

Fred: Kick ass.

George: I love you Harry

Harry: I love you too George

-intense make out scene-

Fred: Stop it, that wasn't in the book!

Harry: Well the book would have been better if it was!

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dumbledore: Voldemort is back!

Fudge: Lies!

Dumbledore: Hmm in denial much?

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Yeah that's it. I hope you like it. If you review I promise I'll give you a gold star! C'mon you know you want my pretty gold stars.

Tootles!

King's-own-knight


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